Recent History

"L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa announced in CNN's newsroom Monday he won't run for governor. The mayor's wife left him when he began dating female news anchors last year. He made the announcement at CNN after all the women at Fox News turned him down.

"President Obama signed the tobacco bill into law in the Rose Garden Monday. He signed the bill while standing next to a kids' group for a tobacco-free America. The ceremony was held outside because the Oval Office smells like cigarettes... He himself promised his wife two years ago he would quit smoking if he ran for president. And now he has to take her to Paris for dinner twice a month to keep her from leaving him."

-- Argus Hamilton, The Comedy Store


"[Iran's] Supreme Leader said that the elections were not rigged. Well, that's good enough for me... But the Iranian government is planning a curfew because things are getting so crazy in Iran. And I thought if there is one thing an angry mob respects, by God, it's a curfew, isn't it?"

"Ahmadinejad has declared himself the winner of the election and is planning his inauguration. And I said, 'Well, why not? The country is really in a party mood.'"

"And the leader of Iran's opposition party, Mousavi, the guy who apparently lost in the election, says he's ready to become a martyr. Don't kid yourselves. It's tough being a martyr nowadays, really. I mean, with the economy and all the budget cuts. When you die now, because of the economy, you're only going to be greeted by 35, maybe 40 virgins, tops."

-- David Letterman, The Late Show


"[Son of the former Shah of Iran] Reza Pahlavi backed the protesters in Tehran Monday. His family was overthrown by a violent protest in the 70's. Thirty years later it is impossible to describe the depth of the hostility some people felt toward disco...

"Hillary Clinton met with the British Monday to review options with Iran... She's reverting to old habits. She told the Foreign Secretary that her elbow was broken on the runway in Tehran by the Iranian Revolutionary Guard."

-- Argus Hamilton, The Comedy Store